03-26-12
I would like to thank you for asking if I am doing ok, well I am doing fine, sometimes though there are relapses in emotions especially when my son is involved. I wouldn’t want to talk or write or tell anyone until such time that I know I am stable enough to talk about.
This happened last Sunday, it was a typical day for me and my palaboy; and since most of the people were on vacation, we were left alone enjoying our bonding time. Then, come afternoon, out of the blue, that forever missing biological father came… It was an utmost shock because everyone knew he wasn’t in the country. Well it turned out he was here to make a “few” errands and later on did I found out that it was simply because it’s the birthday of his “legal” child. Such a coincidence isn’t it? The first born is born March and well I guess he was trying to clear up everything about my palaboy that he made his next child born on the same month as close to mine as possible… a weeks difference, that must be some major calculation? Sarcasm aside, I don’t really care what he does in his life and my lil one and I have moved on, why wouldn’t we be able to? Eversince my son was born, we didn’t receive any form of paternal support, emotionally, physically, and financially…so what would be the difference now?
So you must be wondering what the hell am I so pissed about? Well, last Sunday he talked to my son, who I can see was excited to be spending 35mins with his biological father, yes, you read that right 35 mins. I guess I have to thank him for that though. During their conversation, the biological father asked if my palaboy wanted to have lunch the next day…and as much as I wanted to say no, I wouldn’t want to deprive my son of that minute time he could spend with his biological father, so I agreed. They were supposed to meet 10AM Monday and my palaboy was up and about early asking if it is 10AM already, come 11AM I received a call from the biological father saying he’s going to raincheck and the reason, he have a dental appointment. Isn’t it if it’s an appointment you know it ahead of time? If so, then why commit on a date with my palaboy in the first place?
I don’t know what the motivation it, but it really hurt me to see how my son grew from super happy to super sad in a matter of seconds. I told my lil one that his biological father isn’t coming and he asked me this, “Why Ma, am I bad?” It felt like a million knives stabbed my heart over and over again, after hearing what he said. I wasn’t able to help it and I cried in front of my son. I told him that he’s never done anything wrong to his biological father or his family, he didn’t even ask for a single time, money, or attention at all. My angel just accepted whatever is given to him by his biological father and then he gets this, especially when we don’t contact him nor bother him at all. I guess I may have done something terrible to that “boy” who cheated on me over and over and over again and left me to take care of my pregnancy and didn’t even bother to be a father to my son… but does my son deserve to be treated the same way?
It’s been more than six years since I accepted that nothing will come out of our cyclical, on-off, deceitful partnership and I have been solely taking care of my son for six years. He would be like a seasonal mushroom who would pop out of nowhere to spend 30 minutes with my son whenever he feels like it or whenever he’s bored and now I guess he went to see and compare how his “beloved legal child” is faring against mine? Is that even fair? Leaving a child behind and then treating him like a toy to play with whenever bored is something to come out of a crazy mind, isn’t it?
After six years of being strong, I gave in, I cried and cried and cried in front of my son. I guess children are really more resilient because my lil palaboy got up and went to the dresser to get me some tissue. He said that he loves his dad but he loves me more. So, I have learned two things, he is sad but I guess he has forgiven his biological father already and that he doesn’t keep any ill things toward people [It made me cry even more] and the second thing, I realized how weak I am especially when my son is involved.
I am not even sure if it’s related but my son had a high fever the whole afternoon and I have been round the clock until the wee hours of the morning to monitor his temperature. After that call, we didn’t hear any from the other side but I think it is better that way. I was angry and vengeful, however, seeing how my son looked and treated the situation made me just let go and move on. If I keep any form of anger inside of me, it will just eat me and what I have struggled to uphold for six years. So, I needed to vent it out and write it over and then have a last release and that’s it. Another lesson learned. Another page in the book. Another opportunity to be the bigger and better person. As I always say, nobody can ever steal your rainbow… so off I go to the next page, looking forward to brighter days and I am really thankful for the bunch of friends always ready to listen, to support and to keep me sane…
(Source: slices-of-peach)
